More wonderful writing from Fredreick Buechner

From my favorite new meditation book (well, new to me anyhow), here is the entry for January 15, which has stuck with me since:

"After Buechner's father's death, the family moved to Bermuda, rather to Grandma Buechner's disapproval:

'You should stay and face reality,' she wrote, and in terms of what was humanly best, this was perhaps the soundest advice she could have given us: that we should stay and, through sheer Scharmann endurance, will, courage, put our lives back together by becoming as strong as she was herself. But when it comes to putting broken lives back together – when it comes, in religious terms, to the saving of souls - the human best tends to be at odds with the holy best. To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do – to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst – is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still.

The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed by the holy power that life itself comes from. You can survive on your own. You can grow strong on your own. You can even prevail on your own. But you cannot become human on your own.

Surely that is why, in Jesus’ sad joke, the rich man has as hard a time getting into Paradise as that camel through the needle’s eye because with his credit card in his pocket, the rich man is so effective at getting for himself everything he needs that he does not see that what he needs more than anything else in the world can be had only as a gift. He does not see that the one thing a clenched fist cannot do is accept, even from le bon Dieu himself, a helping hand."

something cheery

Although I truly don't feel so cheery today, I'm glad to see that Kristin Chenoweth is still out there doing her thing and it makes me feel like someday soon, I too will feel silly and sprightly again.

Here's an even better review, describing a very funny entrance she made.

fruit, walking

I recently hired a coach and all of the goals we outlined in my plan are now kind of up in the air, so my whole focus this week is truly simple: walk every day, eat more fruit.

I'm very glad I found this coach; she was supportive without being gushy, has a great sense of humor and was not thrown off by all the rollercoaster activity of my last week. She also pointed out strengths she thinks I have and helped me focus on those, instead of getting bogged down in the negative. Very affirming and motivating.

She said something like - well, it seems you have your palms up and are saying, ok, i'm flexible, it can be Austin or DC or Berkeley and I'd be excited for any of those. And that puts you (me) in a great position, it's a strength. I also described to her all of the things I like about what the company does for its customers and how that makes it even more worth it to be that open.

Everyone has been so supportive about Velda. I'm so wiped about it but don't want to be weepy and sentimental with people in person - it just feels private. I also feel like I've been inundated with interactivity and just need some time to be all by myself. Thank goodness it's the weekend finally.

I am grateful for my wonderful program friends and my family;
I am grateful that today I do have a roof over my head and a job;
I am grateful for my health and sobriety;
Today I ask God to give me some calm, some ability to be of service in a chaotic time at my work.

Yes, the vulnerability you have when you love to work at innovative, smaller tech companies is that "A" word - acquisition. Our company was acquired by a Texas company, announced to us just yesterday, so that whole loft thing is on hold while I assess.

My friends and family have been so great and also insightful. Most have reminded me that God has a plan and that things happen for good reason and to hang in there. I'm glad I surround myself with recovery people and people who do their best to connect with a higher power.

mercy me

Ok, so now on a more serious note. Serious but not dour.

As I sat in the chapel at St Andrew yesterday morning, listening to the incredible music, being encouraged by the inspiring, forgiving, human, thought-provoking, welcoming words from the Rev, I just felt right to my bones that no one could help but want to be part of this place.

The Rev was talking about Hannah singing a redemption song, about giving it all over to God, including your emotions, your trials. About not keeping a stiff upper lip.

I think of myself as someone who has been hugely redeemed when I was allowed recovery from addiction. But as I listened, I started seeing myself as someone who could be allowed more than one redemption song. I could keep my house clean and share it with someone else. I could get health around money and be a good partner.

The Paint Off

Well, as you'll see, I didn't win this Paint Off in the official sense. But I am nonetheless congratulating myself on subverting my natural tendency to run screaming for privacy and invulnerability and actually staying through the entire event.

I am so grateful to Laura, Tom, Kathryn, and Hank for showing up to give me much-needed moral support. Laura and Tom even helped me pack up my stuff at the end of the day; now that's a sign of a trooper right there. I get so weirdly uncomfortable accepting help, but if I want to be a real part of the world, not just a "wad in a box" (copyright Gary Stutler), that's going to be part of the deal.

What was great - discovered a couple of artists who I like both personally and artistically. Number one best discovery was Hwei-Li Tsao, who I knew only as "Number 36." Thank goodness she won second place or I'd never have found out her name.

Also good was to force myself into a situation where I am the little fish in a bigger pond. It was motivating to see these other talented artists at work, albeit a bit humbling too.

My key learning about the painting part itself was that I wish I'd gone slower, done some more sketching to get my composition together, been patient with creating a limited palette piece, thinner layers, and then add the brighter fun colors more near the end. Ah the delayed gratification thing.